I Don't Know Where To Start

Been a meaningful weekend fer me. Just came back from a church camp, at Sentosa’s Spiritual Union campsite with some of my church mates. Had fun catching up with them, about how they are doing in their lives, & to hear how God is using them in their lives to bless others, & how the Lord has been blessing them in return. Really wonderful to hear so many testimonies of his love. But it struck me then, that “Hey, why aren’t I bubbling with excitement to share of his goodness in my life just like them? What can I share with them?” It dawned upon me that I went to the camp with a semi heavy, & somewhat stressed heart & mind. Stress- this is reasonably duly caused by my bosses havin left S’pore for China for a business trip & left me in charge of the local branch here… Sheesh, talk about pressure. Thank God though for the exciting news of a pay raise! I dunno how much yet though… ah well.. but anyway, that’s not the main point. I guess ya guys who have been faithfully loggin on to read my blog will know that I’ve been quite disturbed lately. It seems to cloud my mind & unknowingly put fear in my heart for the worst. But I have been learning these 2 days to submit this issue to the Lord, trusting that he will be in control of the situation that seems out of my hand. Perhaps God is also teaching me that sometimes I need to come to the “ end of myself” before I can truly submit to God in obedience. I know I have said before that I have surrendered, or will choose to submit… but it was only to a certain extent that I allowed God to have access to. The rest, I barricaded. Physically, yes I may have surrendered to God. But my mind & my heart are not surrendered in totality unto him. I know Lord, that u desire a pure heart.. for me to be holy because You are holy. Help me to be the person You want me to be Lord. Let me be pure & righteous in Your sight once more. For partial obedience.. is it not also disobedience?

This morning at bible class, the message spoken by the Pastor was one on personal holiness, offering your life to him afresh, & returning to the father (God). I felt it spoke to me so clearly as if the message was prepared just for me. So during altar call, I went forward.. not expecting anyone to pray for me for anything in particular, but it was just my response to the Lord, that im here in obedience & I want to offer my life to him afresh once again. As I knelt there with my eyes closed, I sensed the lord’s presence so strongly it was overwhelming. A sister in Christ then came to pray for me. She said she felt that the lord was telling her I was unable to forgive myself for a lot of things. Sins in the past… disappointment in myself & in others.. guilt & unworthiness. At this point, I just felt my tears just roll down my face uncontrollably. It was the holy spirit administering healing to my heart. Gosh was it embarrassing. I was sobbing so hard but I couldn’t help myself. Yet im glad I did not “box up God”, cos I knew the Lord has done a work of renewal & restoration in me today.

I said a prayer for Esther last night. I know that God will send someone to bless her, & to guide her in the right path. I repented before God for any bad thoughts & words spoken from my mouth & mind about her or against her. Who am I to judge her? She is God’s creation too, whom he loves. I know that God is always in control when we allow him to. But when we sometimes choose to “play God’ & take things into our own hands, things will eventually get out of control. I prayed for Jon too. I know that God will take care of him as well. I released him to God, & said a prayer that God will send someone to “rescue him”, that he will taste of the lord’s love though I may not be the one to bring it to him. I prayed for my 2 jie meis, that they too will experience God’s love in a real way. That they will be able to see & feel God’s love thru me.

I know its really difficult for non-christians to understand the whole load of things I have just written. But I would still love to share my life journey with you. I hope that it has encouraged You one way or another. Stick around for my next blog okay? Life can only get more exciting with God in my life. I hope some of its goodness is infectious though* Tee heh*… then can rub some off onto You! *Big Grinz*


Share a song lyric with you:
Lord You seem so far away, A million miles or so it seems today.
And though i haven lost my faith, it seems right now.. that it's hard for me to pray.
And I dont know what to say, & I dont know where to start,
But as you give me the faith, & with all thats in my heart...
I will sing.... I will praise... Even in my darkest hour,
Through the sorrows & the pain.
I will sing.... I will praise... Lift my hands to honour You.
Because Your word is true, I will sing.

In His Love,
-Stephie-