Your Thinking Shapes You.

This is actually my second time typing this!!!....i took too long the last time round, so had a time-out by the time i tried to publish my post! man..haha...*stephie laughs at stephie!*

Anyways...had a pretty intense 2 days. Well, partly b'cos of Jon..& the rest is due to work. I have tried contacting Jon again. I know i promised myself not to Ever contact him after the last time we corresponded. I was disappointed & disgusted at how nonchalent he can feel about us even though we are history. Somehow i think i have this BIG unseen hope in me that hopes he will come back to me one day. But then firstly, i know that he has too big an ego to ever do such a thing. Secondly, i dont think i can give him what he needs in the relationship. Not that i ever regret not giving it to him, cos i will never till the day i'm married(call me old fashioned, but im not changing my tune).. moreover, our goals in life are way too different. But that still doesn't explain the fact WHY im still hanging on to this Impossibe hope. I really wish with all my might that I can truly finally say, "Yes, im over Jon. Im ready to embark on a new journey to continue the next phase in my life, with or without someone else." Im still hanging on dearly to the phrase: Only Time can Heal All Wounds.
I dont feel hatred or bitterness in my heart, goodness me no. Mayb i dont have it in my heart to actually hate somebody. But i cant say that i dont feel a tinge of anger, betrayal, hurt & sadness. This is what bugs me the most. I feel betrayed & hurt, yet still continue to pine for the one that has caused me so much pain. I know he is not the right one for me( in so many ways), but yet am silly enough to waste time thinking about him. Enough is enough already! Snap out of it you silly girl! * Stephie slaps Stephie with a large trout*
God spoke to me today. I finally took time to listen to him. Guess he has been trying to tell me for the loooooooongest time..that to find release, I need to learn how to entrust all things unto him. I always think that i can handle stuff, then choose to find my own path out to fumble out of the darkness. I guess i know better now. Sorry God. I said a little prayer this morning for myself, that i would find the road to leading a life that is pleasing & honourable to God. To learn from my past mistakes & circumstances to be a better person for him. After all, God didn't die for nothing right? He died for me, he died for You. So am i gonna spend the rest of my life the way i am right now as repayment for his love for me? Yeah. i gotta so something more. Cos he deserves it.

I know it hurts a whole lot right now. Have been a horrendous 9 months. I know you avoid thinking about it a great deal Stephie. But trust in the Lord's perfect plan for you in your life. Trust the Lord heal your heart. Have faith that he will provide you with someone better, a man who loves God as much as you do. Its all that I want Lord, cos without You, Im nothing.

Surrendered to Him.